Just realized how depressed I sound in the last couple of posts. Really, I'm not depressed so much as just angry and confused.
I have a mum who loves me, a wonderful dog who loves me too, and several friends whom I can't wait to tackle when I see them next week.
Plus a roof over my head, enough food that I could burn some and mum & husband wouldn't notice (well, the husband would if I touched the peanuts), and money, which, although not nearly enough to get really good Christmas presents, is sufficient for the satisfactory ones.
Life's really not that bad.
27 December 2009
My Mother's Husband.
No, he is not my 'father' in any respect. Not even 'step'. I'm so angry right now.
We went to a friend's house today to exchange Christmas gifts and have dinner together. Dinner was delicious, but unfortunately I wasn't able to enjoy it. As the rest of us were enjoying over-dinner conversation, el esposo de mi madre chimed in with how he didn't 'care for' about fifty trillion different things. As a long advocate of specific language, I couldn't help balling my fists up under the table and trying not to strangle him. (Seating me next to him was probably a mistake on my mom's part.)
But it's more than that. I've got so much crap built up from the lack-thereof nature of my relationship with my dad that it's hard for me to stand with almost any man behind me, and jerkfaces (see above) only make that worse. My mum's husband didn't ask me before he proposed to my mum. I wouldn't be able to complain as much if he had, but he didn't, so I can.
I know what I would have said if he asked me if I was okay with it. No. They'd only been dating for about seven months, waaaay too short a time for two people to be together before considering marriage. Plus, I was fourteen. I was in the middle of massive issues over Mr. Biology, and the last thing I needed was more emotional baggage. Which I now have.
It isn't fair for me to try to enter into an equal relationship with anyone -- especially a boy -- when I've got all these issues from previous males in my life.
My mum asked me tonight if I'm happy. Know the answer?
Huge, resounding, no.
We went to a friend's house today to exchange Christmas gifts and have dinner together. Dinner was delicious, but unfortunately I wasn't able to enjoy it. As the rest of us were enjoying over-dinner conversation, el esposo de mi madre chimed in with how he didn't 'care for' about fifty trillion different things. As a long advocate of specific language, I couldn't help balling my fists up under the table and trying not to strangle him. (Seating me next to him was probably a mistake on my mom's part.)
But it's more than that. I've got so much crap built up from the lack-thereof nature of my relationship with my dad that it's hard for me to stand with almost any man behind me, and jerkfaces (see above) only make that worse. My mum's husband didn't ask me before he proposed to my mum. I wouldn't be able to complain as much if he had, but he didn't, so I can.
I know what I would have said if he asked me if I was okay with it. No. They'd only been dating for about seven months, waaaay too short a time for two people to be together before considering marriage. Plus, I was fourteen. I was in the middle of massive issues over Mr. Biology, and the last thing I needed was more emotional baggage. Which I now have.
It isn't fair for me to try to enter into an equal relationship with anyone -- especially a boy -- when I've got all these issues from previous males in my life.
My mum asked me tonight if I'm happy. Know the answer?
Huge, resounding, no.
11 December 2009
On Boys.
I've been accused lately of being a prudish, stuck-up asexual who doesn't even see the opposite sex. One out of three. Good job, accusers. I'm not stuck-up, at least I don't think so, and not asexual so much as just not interested right this second. However, I do tend to be a prude, evidenced by the fact that at sixteen years of age I have not yet kissed a boy.
Current Concerns with Male Population:
1) I appear to have a stalker. He's two years younger than me, so I classify him as more overly enthusiastic than actually dangerous. But still, when he can say, "In all the pictures I have of you you're sitting in front of a computer," things are a little creepy. I'm not quite sure what to do about him, considering that the last time I tried to let a boy down easy I almost made him cry. (Or maybe I did. I didn't stick around long enough to find out.) Suggestions range from 'tell him to stop waving at you in your classes' to 'get a restraining order'. What do you think, cyberspace?
2) This second concern is related to the first. I moved to a new school last year and met this guy who manages to be both kind and extremely smart. We're friends; actually, since most of the girls at school won't talk to me for reasons I don't know, he's one of my only friends. And I'm interested in him despite the fact that he's about a year older than me and about to become an adult. However, he is greatly amused by my stalker's antics. Or, rather, my reactions to said antics. I don't know what I want from him and that's the problem. With most guys, I know exactly what I want, like someone to laugh with during my ridiculous English teacher's classes or someone to sing the choir music for the festival I'm technically not supposed to be attending with. Friends would be awesome, but so would dating. He follows just about the same moral code as I do, so the never-been-kissed status might not be threatened if we did date.
3) Mr. Can-of-Worms himself. Don't get me wrong. I love this guy dearly, but right now he's so full of drama that I don't see how we can have any kind of rational relationship. He dated a girl for three months and then broke up with her. On one hand I'm glad because she was bad for him but on the other this opens up a whole new can of worms. His mum suspects that another girl was involved in the breakup. I'm just waiting to see where this one goes.
Current Concerns with Male Population:
1) I appear to have a stalker. He's two years younger than me, so I classify him as more overly enthusiastic than actually dangerous. But still, when he can say, "In all the pictures I have of you you're sitting in front of a computer," things are a little creepy. I'm not quite sure what to do about him, considering that the last time I tried to let a boy down easy I almost made him cry. (Or maybe I did. I didn't stick around long enough to find out.) Suggestions range from 'tell him to stop waving at you in your classes' to 'get a restraining order'. What do you think, cyberspace?
2) This second concern is related to the first. I moved to a new school last year and met this guy who manages to be both kind and extremely smart. We're friends; actually, since most of the girls at school won't talk to me for reasons I don't know, he's one of my only friends. And I'm interested in him despite the fact that he's about a year older than me and about to become an adult. However, he is greatly amused by my stalker's antics. Or, rather, my reactions to said antics. I don't know what I want from him and that's the problem. With most guys, I know exactly what I want, like someone to laugh with during my ridiculous English teacher's classes or someone to sing the choir music for the festival I'm technically not supposed to be attending with. Friends would be awesome, but so would dating. He follows just about the same moral code as I do, so the never-been-kissed status might not be threatened if we did date.
3) Mr. Can-of-Worms himself. Don't get me wrong. I love this guy dearly, but right now he's so full of drama that I don't see how we can have any kind of rational relationship. He dated a girl for three months and then broke up with her. On one hand I'm glad because she was bad for him but on the other this opens up a whole new can of worms. His mum suspects that another girl was involved in the breakup. I'm just waiting to see where this one goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)